If someone had asked me how I’m really doing today, I would have said that I am struggling with anticipatory anxiety with a side of imposter syndrome. The closest I got to saying how I really felt was “I’m good, just a little stressed.”
I feel like every little thing bothers me when I’m not feeling my best. For instance, I forgot my towel today when I went to yoga session #1 and had to rent a towel. I was still annoyed with myself hours after the class for forgetting my towel. I didn’t even let myself fully enjoy the class, because I kept thinking about the towel I left at home.
Writing this out now allows me to reframe my thoughts and see how my mind tends to overreact to little stressors and inconveniences. My mind believes that because I forgot my own towel, I therefore had a bad day. It’s tempting to agree with my mind, but I know it’s not true. I had some Pete’s Dark Chocolate Cold Brew with my breakfast, a treat, since I usually have a cup of plain coffee. My schedule allowed me to not only go to one, but two yoga classes today. I called the electric company and they told me that my paperwork was processed, which gives me one less thing to worry about. I did laundry, so I have clean clothes. I’m grateful that I got to run under pretty jacaranda trees and spend quality time with my mom.
In this way, I’m reminding myself that I don’t need to believe everything my mind tells me.
That being said, the anticipatory anxiety is real and is quite unpleasant. I was telling a friend today that I get a little more nervous and excited every day, as it gets closer to move-in and orientation. There are so many things to worry about, from med school paperwork to things such as whether or not I should get a new laptop and figuring out how to furnish my apartment in the least expensive way possible (answer: facebook marketplace, asking friends, taking things from home). There are also little things I can’t control, such as not finding out what textbooks we have until we receive our med school issued iPads, not knowing our orientation day schedules, and wondering if I can really survive the med school coursework.
I can go on-and-on about imposter syndrome, so I’ll stop myself before I get on my soapbox.
All I know is that I can’t really trust my mind right now and things will fall into place, once I’m moved in and immersed in classes.